DABOISASTRGLEDT – by Ivaniel “Ivo” Georgiev
Welcome back to DABOIS. Struggling is what we do best, and today I’m happy to show you something special. A contract. One with clauses that are very hard to meet—and most importantly, should they be?
I found out about this while scrolling through Facebook. It was an episode of Second Date Update from Brooke and Jubal In The Morning. I don’t remember all the details the girl shared, nor her name—so let’s call her Stacy.
Today, I’ll present two contracts: the one I found, and the one I made—which suits me better.
This is the most American thing ever. I mean, it doesn’t get more American than this (USA, USA, USA…). I find it hilarious that someone actually created such a contract—for the record, it was a girl—and decided to insert myself into it.
The dating game has its rules—some written, most not. Once I bombed a date, oversharing my klepto past—her ghosting left a wound, because I thought there was something, but I’m still chasing truth (no matter what).
The idea of dating is to be fun, right? We all have jobs; why would we need another contract? Better leave me alone. However, it is interesting. I mean, imagine someone pulling out a contract on your first date. How would you react? Offended? Intrigued?
I love good banter. Honestly, I’d read the contract and share my honest opinion. I can’t sign something I’m not comfortable with. And, like any negotiation, changes could be discussed.
Either way, it’d be fun because a contract like this would show a lot about the other person—if done truthfully.
There’s so much to explore about someone if you’re genuinely invested. And the funny thing? Most people aren’t. They seek relationships or dating just for the sake of having someone around to listen to their bullshit—because the world is made for pairs, even if both people suck.
First things first: a lot of people would laugh if presented with a contract on a first date.
However, I think it’s such a genuine and smart move—if the person who made it is playful and truthful about it. It could make dating so much more fun by removing unnecessary awkwardness—or add even more if the person reading it is full of prejudices.
Nonetheless, it’s a good idea to show who you are. If the other party doesn’t seem to understand, they probably lack humour or take themselves too seriously—definitely a red flag.
But an even bigger red flag would be presenting such a contract and not living by it.
Whatever you do, stick to yourself. If the clauses don’t fit what you expect, maybe you should either leave your expectations at the door—or tell them to put their contract where the sun doesn’t shine.
Love’s a ripple, but dating’s a tightrope. What I mean is you walk the tightrope wherever you go, but real love can steady you—if you’re brave enough to fall (I hope that’s a good enough eye opener.
Before continuing, I want to welcome every new and returning reader to the DABOISASTRGLEST community. No matter if you’re a BOI or a GAL, you’re very welcome here, where struggles are part of our lives. We don’t neglect them. We try to understand and offer understanding.
Sometimes, what feels like judgment is actually deep caring. And sometimes, caring is just judgment dressed nicely. Be aware. There’s a huge need for more understanding in this world. Constructive and diplomatic speech will move us forward faster—and better—as a species.
Please feel free to comment and subscribe. I’d love to hear your point of view. Any feedback is better than none. Honestly, negative feedback might even be better—it points out things we often miss.
Maybe I’m sounding a bit “worldly-boordly” and trying to seem sophisticated, but that’s genuinely how I see the world.
If you’re interested in the topics I’m dissecting, check out the past archives. Last week, I delved into: The World Is Your Oyster, But Wait; I Don’t Eat Oysters…
If you like the type of content I’m sharing here, you can definitely check out my daily newsletter for some more interesting twists about different aspects of life (and some free goodies) – Subscribe to My Newsletter.
I will leave this specific part in every blog to keep you updated about the European tour. My dad and I just started it, and I hope I will collect so many memories and experiences that I will share in the future with the community. Sleeping in the car is tough, but there’s so much freedom at the same time.
Now, back to the dating contracts.
Stacy’s Dating Contract: A Rollercoaster Journey
Dated this 01/05/2025 between Stacy (hereinafter referred to as The Romantic Party) and Prince Charming (hereinafter referred to as The Probationary Romantic). Failure to approach this contract with a hearty pinch of humour may result in the immediate and irreversible termination of all romantic proceedings.
Article I: Introduction
This binding (yet gloriously tongue-in-cheek) agreement exists to cultivate a balanced, supportive, and delightfully chaotic romantic relationship. Its primary purpose: to filter out time-wasters, closet pineapple-on-pizza enthusiasts, mama’s boys (especially mama’s boys), and any individual lacking the necessary zest for spontaneous absurdity.
Article II: Preliminary Disclosures
Clause 1: The Probationary Romantic must fully disclose any memberships in groups, including (but not limited to):
– Flat Earth Societies,
– Cryptid Sightings Clubs,
– Facebook conspiracy theory groups,
– Reddit communities devoted to Las Vegas.
Clause 2: A financial credit score is not required; however, the Probationary Romantic must disclose the total number of streaming service subscriptions and provide a detailed, preferably scathing, opinion on The Bachelor.
Clause 3: Any concealed tattoos bearing the names of exes must be disclosed no later than the second date. Failure to comply will invoke penalties outlined in Article VII.
Article III: Romantic Duties and Obligations
Clause 1: The Probationary Romantic shall:
– Deliver no fewer than seven unsolicited compliments per week (daily highly encouraged—laziness is forbidden).
– Participate enthusiastically in Sunday Pyjama Brunches (pyjamas are non-negotiable; post-brunch eating-out must exceed the brunch itself).
– Post at least two Instagram Stories per month showcasing Stacy, with captions celebrating her humour, style, and impeccable taste (approval mandatory).
– Refrain from using the bathroom with the door ajar—until marital vows are exchanged.
Clause 2: Further demonstrated capabilities must include:
– Dancing awkwardly but spiritedly at weddings, regardless of rhythm.
– Navigating a Target run without exceeding a $50 threshold (unless expressly permitted).
Clause 3: Special Holiday Obligations:
– Halloween: Participation in couples’ costume coordination is mandatory. Refusal to embody half of “Peanut Butter & Jelly” or “Barbie and Ken” will invoke penalties under Article VII.
– April Fool’s Day: All jokes directed at Stacy require prior approval. Unauthorized pranks will trigger penalties (and potentially a spanking).
Article IV: Prohibited Behaviours
Clause 1: Under no circumstances shall The Probationary Romantic:
– Use the phrase “I’m not like other guys” without overt irony.
– Order a salad “for her” unless specifically requested.
– Complain about Stacy’s ever-expanding makeup or fashion collection.
– Argue without citing two credible sources or a historical witness account.
– Look at or interact with Stacy’s mom or sisters without explicit pre-clearance.
Clause 2: Minor infractions—such as eye-rolling during astrological discussions—will result in a verbal warning but may be logged for future evaluation.
Article V: Rewards and Privileges
Clause 1: Proper adherence earns The Probationary Romantic:
– Unlimited hugs on demand (subject to Stacy’s mood and weather conditions).
– Exclusive “+1” privileges for events and post-lunch naps.
– A monthly “partner’s choice” date night (featuring at least one food-truck or culinary expedition; if ice cream is involved, Stacy demands two personal buckets—no exceptions).
Clause 2: Exceptional performance may unlock:
– Skip-the-line passes to Stacy’s therapeutic, highly entertaining rants.
– Access to Stacy’s secret stash of artisanal, cruelty-free chocolate.
– Periodic X-rated photo drops (likely exceeding all expectations).
Article VI: Penalty Clause
Clause 1: Violations incur the following:
– Excessive lateness triggers mandatory enrollment in a pottery class (Stacy’s choice).
– Poor meme literacy results in a two-hour crash course on meme culture.
Clause 2: Severe infractions (e.g., calling horoscopes “nonsense”) prompt immediate contractual re-evaluation and suspension of physical affection privileges.
Clause 3-7: Additional penalties include:
– Incomplete personal inventories = manifesto written with non-dominant hand.
– Ambiguous political/spiritual beliefs = 2-minute open mic performance about your spirit animal’s political leanings.
– Indecisive food preferences = Stacy-curated dinner with accompanying karaoke tribute.
– Social media mishaps = 60-sec TikTok on digital decorum (puns mandatory).
– Vague post-mortem wishes = 90-sec dramatic monologue outlining your legacy.
Article VII: Extraordinary Clauses
– Participation in Board Game Night Extravaganza is mandatory, demonstrating both gracious wins and dignified defeats.
– During Spa Days, facial masks and cucumber beverages shall be endured without complaint.
– Every date must feature a “mystery object” symbolising the Probationary Romantic’s current mood or existential query, revealed when lunar phases align with Stacy’s whims.
Article VIII: Termination and Legal Recourse
– Either party may terminate the contract with a written notice (text messages with expertly placed emojis are acceptable) delivered at least three days in advance.
In the event of a breakup:
– No subtweeting, meme-recycling, or using shared jokes as ammunition.
– All playlists curated during the relationship become exclusive property of Stacy.
Article IX: Comprehensive Personal Inventory & Philosophical Preamble
Handwritten or quirky digital answers required:
a. Political Orientation: Where do you stand—left, right, or stranded in no-man’s land?
b. Intimate Tapestry: Kinks, quirks, and romantic idiosyncrasies?
c. Passions & Pursuits: What sparks your heart—and what activities did you abandon to trends?
d. Self-Identity: Existential manifesto with witty one-liner included.
e. Emotional Response: Coping mechanism of choice: journaling, crying, or chick flicks?
f. Spiritual Beliefs: Religion or alternative cosmic philosophy?
g. Existential Blueprint: Core values and intrinsic traits.
h. Daily Motivation: Inspirational or absurd reasons for getting up.
i. Essentials: Items you can’t live without (plus Stacy).
j. Family Dynamics: One sentence capturing familial love and chaos.
k. Ideological Stance: Specific causes you’re passionate about.
l. Bedroom Euphoria: Love languages and romantic sweet spots.
m. Culinary Palette: Favourite foods—and pizza controversies.
n. Post-Mortem Wishes: Burial, cremation, or eco-friendly planter?
o. Leisure & Adventure: Favourite vacation spot, city, and country—and why.
p. Cultural Spectrum: Books, movies, TV, and music you swear by (and those you avoid).
q. Offspring & Endearment: Favourite baby names and pet names.
Article X: Annual Self-Reflection & Review
(Conducted at the start of every new year; failure results in creative consequences such as organising a flash mob or compiling a playlist of your most embarrassing moments.)
Logical Inquiries:
– What core values drive your daily choices and long-term vision?
– How do you resolve conflicts? Provide a victorious example.
– Life goals and partnership: How do they intertwine?
– What key experiences taught you about growth and relationships?
Bizarre Inquiries:
– If you were a kitchen appliance, what would you be—and what would you secretly broadcast at midnight?
– Your personality as a weather forecast: whimsical meteorological metaphor, please.
– Pick a historical era for a first date—and plan an outrageous adventure.
Article XI: Amendments & Final Provisions
– Amendments must be made in writing—or via interpretative dance during designated “whimsy hours.”
– Both parties acknowledge: life is absurd, love is unpredictable, and laughter is the only legally binding emotion.
Signed:
The Romantic Party – ……………………
The Probationary Romantic – ……………………
Please read the small script, as everything that is put here has to be strictly complied with. In case you don’t, you can be sued for a minimum of 5 000 000$—and depending on the emotional damage and the period of the relationship, the lawsuit can go up to 33 000 000$ (because that’s Stacy’s like millions and 33 was her cheerleading number). For this to be determined, Stacy’s mom is to determine the emotional damage.
My Dating Manifesto: Dreaming for Understanding
Prelude
This manifesto is a living, breathing thing—a reflection of my heart, my humour, and my hopes. I’m not here to complete you. I am already whole (well… that’s still under review). To be honest, I’m a total wreck. One who lacks all kinds of skills—but shines with honesty nowadays. I seek not just love, but understanding— because if you truly understand how I think, you can’t help but love me (and likewise). These are not rigid laws but declarations of how I choose to live and to laugh with unfiltered authenticity.
Article I: Core Beliefs
1. Authenticity Over Aesthetics
I value genuine connection over curated façades. Show me your scars, your wild dreams, your contradictions—so far this sounds like the bio of a bullshiter in Tinder. I’m content alone—though, yes, there is a certain… absence of sex. However, I believe two whole souls colliding create something richer than all the curated illusions the world can sell.
2. Humour as a Healing Tool
Life’s too short not to laugh at ourselves. If you can’t handle a playful roast or find joy in the absurd, we’re probably not aligned. Laughter isn’t just an escape—it’s the spark that sustains us through the darkest days (and awkward situations).
3. Growth Through Vulnerability
True intimacy is forged through vulnerability, i.e. cracked mirrors, no polished glass.
I want to hear your stories, learn from your mistakes—tell me your fears, your failures, your stubborn hopes. Let’s challenge each other, debate big ideas, and grow by sharing—and you’re not grossed out, maybe even our fluids along the way.
4. Self-Reliance and Independence
I’m not here to fix anyone, I played the crutch before—though I’m happy to check for lumps and give recommendations. I cherish my independence and respect yours—but this one needs more clarification. We’re not here to lean on each other for every need, but to stand side-by-side, fully responsible for our own and mutual journey.
Article II: What I Offer & Value
1. A Life of Shared Experiences
I want to build memories together—through quiet nights of comfortable silence, to spontaneous adventures, or random little texts and gestures: A “how’s my dirty slut?”, followed by a flower—or a ring (well, we shall see about that one). Expect an unexpected coffee run—well, I prefer water—or a shared laugh over other couples.
2. Love as a Decision, Not a Fickle Feeling
– Real love isn’t fireworks show—it’s a conscious choice, made daily, stubbornly and joyously.
– Like a deep friendship with the same sex—except, I can’t be a gay guy; I’m not a big fan of eggplants…they make me throw up (don’t you dare purchase a strap-on).
3. Action Over Empty Words
Grand speeches are lovely. Grand gestures with sincerity—and maybe minimal clothing…or without any—are even better. Prove your love not just with pretty words, but with relentless small acts of devotion—and something that you don’t necessarily like, but the other party loves (by the way, that’s true love)
4. Creating Our Own Universe
Let’s not fit into the world’s moulds. Let’s build a crooked, wild, breathtaking universe of our own—one awkward brainstorm at a time.
Article III: Relationship Ethos & Rituals
1. Deal-Makers
– Emotional Intelligence: A willingness to feel deeply—with kindness, empathy (and weaponised sarcasm every now and then).
– Intellectual Curiosity: The drive to challenge ideas and learn from one another—especially during 69 discussions.
– Resilience: Meeting life’s curveballs with a smile; sometimes through tears—from choking… not the bad type, but the dirty one (if your mom asks, it’s regular tears; my mom knows I don’t cry)
2. Deal-Breakers
– Dishonesty: Truth is non-negotiable. Spit the truth—and spit on that thing too (that’s a deal-maker).
– Drama and Power Games: My life isn’t a reality show. I thrive in peace, genuine passion—that doesn’t apply for late-night sessions (or early mornings).
– Intolerance: An open mind and heart are essential—especially when using humour.
3. Relationship Rituals
– Sunday Reflections: A weekly ritual where we share dreams new kinks, challenges, and every other dumb shit—over water, not coffee (at least me).
– Adventure Days: Exploring hidden corners of the world—or cooking a dish we’ve never dared to try (psychedelic trip maybe?)
– Creative Collaborations: Co-writing stories, painting together—or maybe having a baby and giving it two first names—Why not, Am I crazy?
4. Conflict Resolution
Speak softly, listen intently, and reflect honestly. Conflict isn’t a battleground—it’s the bridge to deeper connection (Too much? Well, better too much honesty than too little.)
Article IV: Boundaries & Unfiltered Love
1. No Drama, No Games
Life’s messy enough. I crave peace, real passion, and a partnership rooted in trust—not constant performance… unless we’re talking late-night roleplaying. Then—perform away.
2. The Little Things Matter
Love lives in the tiny, everyday moments: a shared glance, a gentle touch, an unexpected compliment—I don’t know why, but I feel that I sound like the woman in the relationship now (well, you get what you see.)
3. Boundaries Create Freedom
I am not your father, therapist, or unpaid life coach—though, depending on the mood, I could be any of the three. I am your partner and your mischievous co-conspirator. Support is given, not enforced. In our space, independence and connection will coexist—no jealousy, just high hopes for wet, not dry, weather.
Article V: A Letter to the One I Haven’t Met Yet
To you—whoever you are, wandering through life with your own brilliant, messy story; armoured in sarcasm, decorated in scars, stubborn in your independence—know that I see you (well, not literally.) You might be scarred, uncertain, or fiercely independent, but there’s beauty in every corner of you. I invite you to drop the masquerade of perfection and join me in a journey of raw honesty and shared laughter. Let’s be brutally real about our fears and dreams. Let’s choose each other daily—not for the fireworks. Let’s relish the moments of wild chatter and comfortable silences alike. I’m here to build a life of experiences, not a damn highlight reel. I’m here to choose understanding every day—to delight in the shared passions and idiosyncrasies that most people simply call love. If you’re ready to embrace vulnerability as a strength, rebel against the ordinary, and craft a universe where connection is the axis on which everything turns— then take my hand and let’s take the plunge.
Signed with a smirk, a prayer, and a whole lotta hope,
Ivaniel “The Hopeless Romantic” Georgiev
Closing Note:
This manifesto isn’t just a blueprint for a relationship—it’s no contract; it’s an invitation. It’s a declaration that real love thrives on honesty, understanding, humour, independence, and a healthy dose of shared messiness. If you’re ready to laugh, grow, rebel a little, and create a world of your own—step into my(our) universe.
P.S. Let’s write the strangest, most beautiful love story the world has ever seen.
What a Ride That Was
I can’t believe I’m at the end of this blog. This turned out way more fun than I expected. I don’t know if I’ll actually bring a contract like this on a date—but hey, it might be worth a shot. Besides, mine’s nothing compared to Stacy’s, anyway.
The poem for today:
In Search of Understanding
Life is good—half sweet. half bitter, so to speak.
I seek not roses, nor the sea’s soft kiss;
only a flicker of…awareness—no pleas, no bliss.
For fear is real, truth too often weak.
A love unbound, circles, wild and wide—
I’ve seen many—only fiction cycles change;
Freedom whispers, and her path is strange.
a maze of mines but hope shall thrive.
I crave no theatre—no carefully staged charade,
in search of tiny spark—to light the reckless fire,
No vows, nor tears—only heartbeats and desire;
For simple joys—a light that stubornly won’t fade.
Few things hold weight, sturdy and pure;
Yet sly shadows, crawl with careless hands—
Jealousy, selfishness, oh control’s demands.
Empathy, patience, wisdom—all allure.
Miss, Fräulein, Mademoiselle, sweet Señorita,
Many games I’ve played—but lost their names;
like a French cyclist—I still ride under the rain.
gazing ahead, stubborn, towards brighter vista.
I know this one wasn’t the usual type of blog, but I do hope it brought some laughs, and that all you BOIS and GALS out there enjoyed today’s article.
Bring a contract to your date—or don’t. Just be yourself as much as possible, and don’t let whatever it may be crush your spirit.
Many times, I did what I shouldn’t. Zygmunt Bauman says liquid love avoids depth; I dove too fast and drowned—like everything else in life. He also spoke about “liquid love” and modern romance is fleeting—swipe right, sell your soul.
Show who you are, or fail—actually, you will fail many times no matter what you do… but my suggestion is better to be honest than hiding behind a certain profile. I stay behind the following: “Faking’s a trap, truth’s the key.”
Love’s a paradox: it exposes to unite. I overshared, thought that’s where bond happens, but it sank me. Then, back in the day, I barely shared anything, and things seemed easier, but it was all a flicker.
You know the tightrope—dates you bombed, truths you hid… and then those that played out great, but for how long?
Society’s pair-pressure—“the world is made for pairs”—costs your soul. Truth isn’t easy, but it’s worth it in the end.
What’s your cost, DABOIS? What’s the worst date you’ve crashed?
A hopeless man, but free tonight, tomorrow… until the end of my being.
Thanks for the slog!
Your not-so-great-not-so-terrible-date,
Ivaniel Georgiev
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