DA BOIS A STRGL EDT

DABOISASTRGLEDT – by Ivaniel “Ivo” Georgiev

I don’t know about this one, DABOIS.

I was supposed to upload something today, but I haven’t finished the article I was preparing. These last couple of months were tough, and the hardship continues.

It’s not the right moment to discuss it. It’s really not. And I don’t know what to say.

What I know is that I owe an apology. Apology to myself, because it’s been a year since I started DABOISASTRGLEDT, and today is the day when I broke my promise of uploading without a miss (even though I’m posting this now).

This was going to be the place where everyone is invited, not because I need everyone, but because we need each other, and we can help ourselves by helping each other. Truth is, the blog really turned into this place. And even though I don’t hear back from people, I hope that this helps someone out there navigate amidst the rip tides of life with a better sense of his/her position.

Currently, I’m not in a place where I can help others – at least in this personal situation I’m in. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine, but what’s happening is so much out of my control that I’m struggling to process the whole picture. Despite being a rational and self-conscious person, this is a fight among other fights, and I can’t lead the way in either of them.

I thought I had a clear philosophy of life; however, there is something way bigger and much more than I can grasp, such as the complexities of my current situation and the challenges it presents to my understanding of myself and my values.

Particularly, this situation is a matter of… “life and death,” and I’m not sure if life or death is better.

I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m not sure I want to know. Still, I know that “winter is coming” and that whatever is stored in it has to be adapted to – but a part of me doesn’t want to think about it at this moment.

Honestly, I thought this apology would be way shorter and much more apologetic.

And as it seems, somehow I fool around and don’t apologise for what has happened and what will happen. I don’t know if I can, but I’m trying – I really do.

The problem is the following: they say that apologising would take the burden off your shoulders.

And so I am trying, but the burden calls me back. It doesn’t let me go. It doesn’t feel like I apologised – maybe because I haven’t?

Maybe because I’m only saying “I will” and “I’m trying,” but I’m actually not.

So here I state, “I apologise!”

Somehow it does feel liberating to shout it out (although you can’t hear me).

I declare: I will do my best not to apologise next time. Not that I won’t apologise at all, but that this certain apology will be forever dealt with. Saying the latter gave me goosebumps. I can’t say if it was a satisfactory feeling or a crawling, dreadful one – perhaps the symbiosis of both.

Being scared was always a huge thing for me, and even though I’m being praised for being so courageous, deep down, I know that no one understands. That’s who I was and perhaps who I will always be.

In the past, I decided to go down the escapism path, but little did I know.

Not this time. No escape needed.

And I know how close and tempting that choice is. But no. Truly. I apologised.

I just can’t have the audacity to do so – actually, I do, and I have done it countless times before.

But how am I going to be able to look myself in the mirror after that? A little fed up with myself yet again? For a week, or a month? And then?

We will see. I declared. Let that declaration last. Let this apology be a reminder for everything else in life – because it’s all intertwined.

This is my apology, BOIS and GALS. You don’t have to forgive me. This has nothing to do with you; however, the situation I’m in probably has to do with you. That’s why, like me, you most likely owe an apology to yourself and, therefore, a clear “why” when it comes to what you shall and shall not do… to…

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If you missed the last post, catch up @The Feedback: I’m Wrong, but How Right I Am…

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Yours sincerely,
Ivaniel “apologising once and for all” Georgiev

p.s. Thanks for being part of the gang – and if you aren’t, you are most welcome. As I said in the beginning, this idea of mine started on the 26th of February last year. And it’s been a great ride so far. Nothing much changed, apart from everything that has changed. I don’t know if the best is yet to come, but I’m sure as hell that what’s coming will be dealt with – and it will be like this until I stop breathing.